Canadian Humour, Eh!

Coca Campbell

With the Vancouver 2010 Games a little over one month away, the office of British Columbia's Premier is abuzz with activity in preparation to welcome the world. "Provincial Government employees have been putting in a lot of overtime" said Frank Aarons, a senior staffer in Campbell's close circle in an exclusive interview. "They have the option of working for the Games at their regular pay, just to meet the incredible staffing demands."

Olympic related stories have been in abundance since the Games were awarded on July 2, 2003: the ticket lottery, increased security and civil liberties violations, Olympic Village financing woes, infrastructure upgrades, traffic closures, and of course those cuddly mascots. But the Games are also forcing Premier Campbell to confront a demon that he has thus far kept out of the public eye: a debilitating addiction to Diet Pepsi of which the Premier reportedly drinks 10 to 15 litres per day, one 591 mL bottle at a time. That's an astonishing 17 to 25 bottles per day. "It's something that only a few in his closest inner circle know about" said Aarons, "and it has been one of the Province's most closely guarded secrets. The BC Rail sale was nothing in comparison."

Campbell began drinking the diet cola in 2003, following his infamous DUI charge in Hawaii. The switch was an attempt to reduce his alcohol consumption, which was reportedly moderate, while providing a caffeine lift for long days of public appearances. "It started off at 3 or 4 bottles a day, and then just slowly escalated until we were buying it by the caseload at Costco. At its peak, during the 2009 Provincial election, he was drinking upwards of 20 litres a day."

Of course, there is nothing illegal or objectionable about Diet Pepsi. It is a preference shared by many British Columbians. Those citizens, however, don't have the responsibility of acting as lead cheerleader for the Olympics and all that it entails, including rubbing elbows with corporate sponsors. Coca-Cola is one of the major sponsors of the Games, and for Campbell to be seen endorsing a competitor's product in the 24/7 media circus that will descend on British Columbia in February would be a faux-pas of the highest order, especially for a Premier desperate to be seen as pro-big business. As a result, Premier Campbell's handlers, who had identified this potential problem as the "Cola Issue" early on, have been working diligently to address the problem.

Initial efforts to switch Campbell's preference to the more Olympic friendly brand failed miserably. "We thought it wouldn't be a big deal. I mean, who can taste the difference" said Aarons. Apparently, our Premier can. An early attempt in 2004 to switch to Diet Coke resulted in an enraged and violent Campbell, who reportedly threw a tantrum and damaged a carving by the late Haida artist Bill Reid. Another attempt to switch to cans, which are easier to conceal, also failed. "He complained about the metallic taste of the cans and will only drink from 591 mL plastic bottles."

Cold turkey didn't work either. Some insiders have attributed some of Campbell's more questionable decisions and statements to severe withdrawal during a forced cola ban, imposed by staffers in an attempt to kick the habit. "When [Campbell] stated that he believed the Gateway project and the twinning of the Port Mann Bridge would reduce GHG emissions, he was in severe Diet Pepsi withdrawal. Moments after the April 2009 statement, he began hallucinating and shaking violently. It was scary. The doctor had to give him benzos [benzodiazepine] just to calm him down."

Other questionable decisions, however, may have been the result of Diet Pepsi binging rather than withdrawal. According to Aarons, "When [Premier Campbell] approved the economic outlook and said the deficit would be $495 million for 2009/10, he was guzzling the Diet Pepsi. He had this look in his eyes I have never seen before." Of course we now know that the actual deficit was $2.8 Billion, revealed after the May 2009 election.

Who can say for certain what other decisions can be attributed to the Diet Pepsi addiction or withdrawal?

Under Campbell's leadership, numerous government employee contracts have been torn up while MLA salaries have nearly doubled. Minimum wage is the lowest in Canada, BC has the highest child poverty rate, and homelessness has tripled. Legal aid funding was slashed by 40%, and the social safety net has been decimated. BC Ferries and BC Rail were sold, the latter in a less-than-transparent manner to say the least. The Convention centre was $450 million over budget, and our rivers were sold to the highest bidder. Despite the 'green' image due to the introduction of the Carbon Tax, BC was the only province in 2009 to increase its GHG emissions, largely due to huge oil and gas subsidies.

Meanwhile, back at the Premier's office, a solution to the "Cola Issue" has been found. Two full time staffers will dedicate their days pouring Diet Pepsi, using a funnel, into Diet Coke bottles for the entire Olympic and Paralympic periods. "We considered just switching the labels, but Coke products have those distinctive bottles, so it wouldn't work, and as I mentioned, cans were a no-go." Instead, each day the staffers will open 30 bottles, pour them into previously emptied Diet Coke bottles, and re-seal the caps. "It's pretty labour-intensive, but it was the best solution we could come up with, after a few months of brainstorming." said Aarons. "We can only manage each day's supply because after that it starts to go flat, and we are at risk of a major meltdown by the Premier. We would also like to note that we are being environmentally responsible by recycling the old bottles and re-purposing the excess Diet Coke as a toilet cleaner in Provincial government offices."

Norm Deplume, Unassociated Press

VICTORIA, BC